So...

I was talking to one of my sisters the other day and mentioned how I wanted to start a blog. "I never have anything really creative to say, and I am no writer," I say "but I used to blog, and it was fun." This conversation continued with me trying to think of an innovative way for me to blog. Needless to say, none of my ideas were really that great. I thought I had a great one, and I even tried it... once. Ok, one and a half times. I just couldn't get into it.

I love music. I am no genius about anything, I can't sing, and I certainly can't dance (I may be one of the most ungraceful and uncoordinated people ever), but that does not stop me from listening to the music that I love to listen to (and, ok, so I do sing and dance when I am alone... very rarely around people). My "bright" idea for my blog was to make a really random playlist and put it on shuffle. Every day I would play a new song and write a blog based on the music choice for that day. A song might spark a random memory or an emotion or some story that I would want to tell. I made the playlist, 44 songs, and I sat down to blog. The first song that came up was great (Burning Love by Elvis Presley) because it reminds me of something hilarious and stupid that happened in high school. I thought "Oh this blog is going to be fun!" I had PERSONALLY chosen the songs, so I knew they were all ones that I enjoy. But for some reason, when I sat down today to do the second one... I just couldn't connect with the music. Who knows why, I listen to music constantly... in my car, downtime at work, cleaning the apartment, in the bathtub, even right now... and I always enjoy music. I guess I can't connect songs to memories when I am forcing myself to. As strange as it sounds, I am so much better at being random. I label myself as a random person. Random thoughts, songs, movie lines, quotes from TV shoes, etc always pop in my head at the strangest time. When I couldn't sit there and make myself write when I was playing "Piano Man" by Billy Joel, I had a revelation... I can't force randomness.

"How can this be a revelation?" you might ask. Wouldn't forcing something be the opposite of it being random anyway? Well, yes, but I guess I didn't really think a response to a song would be that forced. And it really was.

So I am giving up on that "bright idea" for a blog... and getting back to my randomness that I enjoy so much. I used to blog all the time back when MySpace was in its hayday. Going back and reading those blogs is really bittersweet to me. All of those things happened years ago when my life was COMPLETELY different than it is now. Not that I think my life was better then, because it really wasn't, but I had all this time to just sit there and write (blog... whatever). I used to be funny! I can go back and read those, and read comments that people posted and I think "Where did that person go?". Don't get me wrong, like I just said, I in no way think my life was better then. It was full of things that were nothing but bad for my future and things that wasted time. But I was younger, and I guess that's where that carefree sense of humor came from. I know I can still be funny... I've seen it happen. It's just rare now. I am sure part of it is because my other half is gone right now, and I am pretty blah without him.

I think this is what happened. For the past couple of years, I put everything on hold to buckle down to finish school and start a career. I never let myself go and have fun. Yes, I would do fun things every once in awhile, but nothing like when I was younger. Now I have started my teaching career which I absolutely love (frustrating at times, yes, but I am not sorry I chose it). As the school year comes to a close, I am faced with the first summer off I have had in over 2 years. I had packed my summers with summer courses to finish school and had the dreaded "summer job" last year (though I did meet a couple good people there). In a little less than a month, I will be home. No papers to grade, no lessons to plan, no alarm clock going off at 5:15 a.m. In reality, that sounds SO nice to me right now. But when I think about ALL of the time I will have off (and by myself until Michael comes home), I get worried. I plan to clean and reorganize my apartment, but I am not OCD so there's no way all of that will last longer than a week. I have a few trainings to go to this summer, but no substantial time-waster.

And yes, I do have plenty of little things to do. I have my animals to take care of. And maybe I can finally start exercising the way I want to. I really need a hobby... I used to do a lot of photography, I guess I could try to get into that again. I LOVE cooking... but that is a difficult hobby to have when you are by yourself... because SOMEONE would have to eat all that food... and more than likely that someone would be me, and then my hobby would be gaining weight. So that might not be the best idea. Oh well, I will think of something. Not troubling myself with it until after the end of the school year, I have enough to do between now and then :)

Well I think I will bring an end to my randomness for today. Gnight all!